My aunt asked my dad if I have been depressed lately. She thinks that I’ve become “really skinny,” and was wondering if I was dealing with relationship issues. She says that I haven’t been smiling as much as I used to.
First of all, I was surprised to hear that I’ve gotten any skinner; if anything, I had thought that I was gaining weight this semester.
Secondly, I’m a bit insulted and annoyed that the only explanation she (and my parents) could come up with for my potential weight change is a boy. No, I’m not having relationship issues. I’m stressed. I’m overwhelmed. I feel that though I’m climbing a ladder in which each rung below me is removed one by one, and I’m forced to keep climbing.
It’s exhausting.
I ended up with an A- in OChem. I’m ecstatic with what the grade I got. I worked damn hard for that A-. But when I texted my dad to tell him how happy I was with that grade, the first thing he replied with was, “Why not an A?”
I burst into tears right then and there, in the middle of the dining hall.
He knew I was struggling in OChem. He knew that I didn’t like it, knew that I was expecting a B, and would have been very happy with a B. He knew that ochem is notorious for being “the” premed weeder course. He knew all of that.
And yet, the first thing he asks is, “Why not an A?”
I was fed up at that point. Maybe it was the pressure. Maybe it was my mood. But my response to his questionw as “Are you not happy with an A- or something?” He quickly became defensive after that, trying to reassure me that “Of course he is happy” and trying to congratulate me on a job well done.
Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way.
I’m tired. I’m tired to being expected to exceed expectations. I’m tired to having all of these eyes watching. I’m tired of being scrutinized, and feeling as though I’m not enough. I feel so overworked this semester, yet I constantly feel pressured to do more. My commitments were:
- 18 units
- 5 hours/week in Psych Lab, working on drafting and submitting a manuscript
- 8 hours/week doing clinical research at CHLA + 3-4 hours/week commute
- 25-30 hours/week in ResLife
- 8 hours/week as a student worker at OWHP
- 2 hours/week volunteer lunch distribution with ACP
I was theoretically working ~69-75 hours/week. I slept around 5-6 hours/day. I barely had time to study. There’s honestly not much more I can add to my plate, yet I feel pressured to reach forsomething extra next semester.
Even during break, I feel as though I cannot totally relax. I need to think and plan for my gap year. I need to work on business preparations if I really want to pursue my trinket/jewelry business and transfer away from Etsy. I need to create and narrow down my list of schools. I need to prepare myself to confront my parents with said list of schools (because no way in hell am I applying to just California schools). I need to start thinking of my personal statement. I need to thinking about general secondary essays. I need to start learning Cantonese if I want to accomplish my goal of being proficient by the end of my gap eyar. I need to apply to research labs “just in case” I find one interesting enough to join.
So maybe I did lose weight. (Who knows? I haven’t weighed myself in a while, although I still do think my face is chubbier than it used to be.) But it wouldn’t be because of a boy. If anything, it is from the constant anxiety I get from feeling as though I’m never enough.
