Note: Inspired by a series of posts that my friend wrote, particularly this one.
A lot of things have happened the past few weeks, yet at the same time, nothing much as happened at all. Regardless, I have come to learn a lot about myself–from introspection, from my peers, from my friends.
I learn that I struggle to interact with people who aren’t “my equal.”
It sounds a lot more condescending than it actually is. More often than not, I feel pretty inferior around others. Inexperienced. Naive. Withdrawn. I am not the type of person who thrives in a large group of friends, and it hurts to admit that because that is exactly the kind of person I want to be. I want to be around others. I want to be a part of group photos. I want to stop feeling so alone.
But forcing myself isn’t the answer. I can’t force myself to be more social. I can’t force myself to start conversation, much less keep it. I can’t force myself to be someone that I’m not. I’m not social. I’m not a conversationalist. I’m a lot less friendly than people give me credit for; I just hide it well because I want people to like me.
There are only a few people I feel truly “equal” to, and I rarely interact with them. We go to different schools. We’re beginning to drift apart. I’m torn between believing that we’ll always be close and accepting the fact that one day, they too, will leave me. That one day, we won’t be “equal” anymore, that I won’t be able to communicate with them, that I won’t be comfortable around them.
I learned that I will never date a boy who isn’t my “equal”.
I want to be able to look at him in the eye and feel comfortable. I want to be able to look at myself in the eye and feel guilt-free. I wouldn’t be able to do so with if I were dating someone who I feel is superior or inferior.
I wouldn’t date a boy who made me feel self-conscious enough to wear make-up on every date. If he isn’t comfortable with my acne, round cheeks, broad nose, and small eyes, then so be it. I wouldn’t date a boy who isn’t comfortable with me as me, because I’m not comfortable with make-up, and I definitely wouldn’t wear it just to please him.
I wouldn’t date a boy that I can’t have conversation with. If I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell him about my day, then we aren’t “equals”. I’d either feel that he isn’t worth my time or, more frequently, that I’m not worth his. There would be a lot of pent-up thoughts and emotions on my part, and I wouldn’t want that.
I wouldn’t date a boy who doesn’t inspire me to grow, and who isn’t willing to grow with me. I’m not talking about “catching up” to each other; I’m talking about striving to be a better person. I would want both of us to grow in leaps and bounds, but at our own pace. I want us to grow without being aware of it. I want to hear the words, “Pauline, you’ve changed…in a good way,” to deny it, and then realize that, yes, I did.
But that won’t happen if I’m not comfortable. That won’t happen if I feel inferior or superior or just off. That won’t happen if I force myself to be out of my element.
None of this will happen unless I learn to fully accept aspects of myself that I dislike, until I learn that it’s okay to be me.
