So My Supervisor Told Me to Reconsider Pursuing Academic Medicine.

June 30, 2015

She told me that it would hinder my ability to be a mom.

Are you kidding me.

Good to know you’re mad at me

May 6, 2015

for getting a stress fever during finals week. You’re not even mad that I’m stressed (or sick, which is also true), but because you think it’s going to cause me to do poorly on my exams.

It’s so great to know that my academic performance means more to you than my health and well-being.

Welp, Winter Break is over.

January 6, 2015

This one flew by way too fast.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so…disgruntled about coming back. I feel that there should be this excitement about graduation, of finishing undergrad, of moving on. However, it’s impossible for me to think about these things (and my uncertain gap year plans…) without groaning about all of the work I still need to do this upcoming semester.

Last semester sucked. I had no time to myself. I was literally scheduling showers, debating on whether to eat lunch or volunteer, whether to spend money (and save time) by eating at work or waste time going to the dining hall. I was in High Stress Mode pretty much all semester. My workload was overwhelming, and I struggled with feeling that I was never enough, that I could never meet the sky-high expectations from family and outsiders. I had at least one mental breakdown–and several close calls–along with periods when I was physically ill from the lack of sleep. My grades did dip a tiny bit, but to be honest, they were still higher than I expected for this semester. Given how many times I wanted to cry myself to sleep (or really, just sleep), I am beyond happy with what I got.

CHEM 322B Ochem II: A-
PSYC 437 Adolescent Development: A
WRIT 340 Writing for the Health Sciences: A
CHEM 203 Chem of AIDS: A
MEDS 490 BioMedical Research: A
Semester GPA: 3.93

This upcoming semester, thank goodness, will be a bit easier. I won’t be doing clinical research as a course anymore, because I hate presentations, and so my hours will be more lenient. I’ll only be going once a week for 5-6 hours, so that would be 7-8 hours/week rather than 11-12 hours/week. We finally hired a new RA, so I won’t be pulling double committee shifts anymore. Aside from Biochem next semester, my course schedule is pretty relaxing (2 Psych courses, an online Gero course, and ballroom dancing?! Yus.). Finally, some breathing room.

I guess the most stressful things will be asking professors for letters of rec, narrowing my list of schools and pre-writing essays, and making the preparations for my business. Wish me luck!

Goal: No break downs before graduation.

Sigh.

December 21, 2014

My aunt asked my dad if I have been depressed lately. She thinks that I’ve become “really skinny,” and was wondering if I was dealing with relationship issues. She says that I haven’t been smiling as much as I used to.

First of all, I was surprised to hear that I’ve gotten any skinner; if anything, I had thought that I was gaining weight this semester.

Secondly, I’m a bit insulted and annoyed that the only explanation she (and my parents) could come up with for my potential weight change is a boy. No, I’m not having relationship issues. I’m stressed. I’m overwhelmed. I feel that though I’m climbing a ladder in which each rung below me is removed one by one, and I’m forced to keep climbing.

It’s exhausting.

I ended up with an A- in OChem. I’m ecstatic with what the grade I got. I worked damn hard for that A-. But when I texted my dad to tell him how happy I was with that grade, the first thing he replied with was, “Why not an A?”

I burst into tears right then and there, in the middle of the dining hall.

He knew I was struggling in OChem. He knew that I didn’t like it, knew that I was expecting a B, and would have been very happy with a B. He knew that ochem is notorious for being “the” premed weeder course. He knew all of that.

And yet, the first thing he asks is, “Why not an A?”

I was fed up at that point. Maybe it was the pressure. Maybe it was my mood. But my response to his questionw as “Are you not happy with an A- or something?” He quickly became defensive after that, trying to reassure me that “Of course he is happy” and trying to congratulate me on a job well done.

Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way.

I’m tired. I’m tired to being expected to exceed expectations. I’m tired to having all of these eyes watching. I’m tired of being scrutinized, and feeling as though I’m not enough. I feel so overworked this semester, yet I constantly feel pressured to do more. My commitments were:

18 units
5 hours/week in Psych Lab, working on drafting and submitting a manuscript
8 hours/week doing clinical research at CHLA + 3-4 hours/week commute
25-30 hours/week in ResLife
8 hours/week as a student worker at OWHP
2 hours/week volunteer lunch distribution with ACP

I was theoretically working ~69-75 hours/week. I slept around 5-6 hours/day. I barely had time to study. There’s honestly not much more I can add to my plate, yet I feel pressured to reach forsomething extra next semester.

Even during break, I feel as though I cannot totally relax. I need to think and plan for my gap year. I need to work on business preparations if I really want to pursue my trinket/jewelry business and transfer away from Etsy. I need to create and narrow down my list of schools. I need to prepare myself to confront my parents with said list of schools (because no way in hell am I applying to just California schools). I need to start thinking of my personal statement. I need to thinking about general secondary essays. I need to start learning Cantonese if I want to accomplish my goal of being proficient by the end of my gap eyar. I need to apply to research labs “just in case” I find one interesting enough to join.

So maybe I did lose weight. (Who knows? I haven’t weighed myself in a while, although I still do think my face is chubbier than it used to be.) But it wouldn’t be because of a boy. If anything, it is from the constant anxiety I get from feeling as though I’m never enough.

Overheard my residents talking in the hallway

August 23, 2014

4th floor resident: “So how’s your RA?”
My resident: “I want to squeeze her to death. She’s so cute!”

wut.

Academic success and relationships are NOT mutually exclusive.

August 21, 2014

I don’t know why this is such a difficult concept for my family to understand.

They always give me the same spiel about how my grades would drop if I were to date someone, how I would be distracted, I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend until I’m done with school because it would “ruin my future.”

Bullshit.

I don’t believe that relationships are “distractions,” nor I do think that academic success and intimacy are mutually exclusive. Rather, I argue that my priorities and actions reflect my values. If my grades were to drop after being in a relationship, it wouldn’t be because my boyfriend “distracted” me from my classes; it would be because I prioritized my relationship over my coursework.

Of course, nothing’s wrong with shifting our priorities. People change. But let’s stop pointing fingers at external factors (clubs, relationships, etc.), and start accepting responsibility. C.L. wasn’t “distracted” when she was dating; she made the conscious decision to prioritize her relationship.

Moreover, academic success and relationships are not mutually exclusive. It frustrates me when I try to argue this point, and yet when answer negatively to the question, “Do you have a boyfriend?”, I’m told, “See? That’s why. If you had a boyfriend, you’d know, and you’d understand.” Excuse you, but I did have a boyfriend, and I managed to juggle everything just fine. No one knew the difference. My grades were still fine. I was just as involved outside the classroom. I still did well on the SAT. In fact, I would argue that I did even better, because I had someone to confide in when I was stressing under the pressure and transition to the pace of AP/Honors classes.

But I could never say that. The response continually clings to the tip of my tongue, because I know those remarks would open a whole new can of worms (“You did? With who? What’s this name? When? Did you two do anything?” etc.), and I just could not be bothered to deal with it. The point is that I managed to balance my academics, extracurriculars, and relationship just fine. Furthermore, we didn’t break up because I prioritized my schoolwork either, but because I didn’t (and still don’t) have the spine to tell my folks that I was in a relationship.

It annoys me when my family thinks that I can only focus on one thing at a time, because that tells me that they don’t think I have control over my life. I am not doing well in school because I don’t have a boyfriend. I did not score well on my MCAT because I don’t have a boyfriend. I am doing well in school and scored well on my MCAT because I made the conscious decision to prioritize that. With or without a relationship, that is currently a top priority for me. Dating someone wouldn’t change that.

Likewise, my decision to be single stems from that fact that I’m not actively interested in anyone. (Am I crushin’? Yes, but let’s ignore that for now.) It is not because I’m afraid of suddenly doing poorly in school. If I happen to want to be in a relationship in the future, then I’ll be in a relationship. If my priorities were to change in the future, it will be because I decided to change them

I’d like to think that I’m in control of my own actions, thank you.

First Anatomy Exam: ✓

Passed, and it feels so good.

September 9, 2016

Me, writing my brother a check: How much am I supposed to send you again? Brother: Whatever you won’t miss.

July 2, 2016

First med school interview tomorrow!

Pritzker, I hope you’re ready for me!

August 23, 2015