‘Tis the end.
With Rank Order Lists (ROL) due tonight, I’m still trying to process that it’s happening. Quite honestly, I don’t know how to feel.
Terrified? Yes, but also resigned and with reluctant acceptance. Whatever happens will be out of my hands.
At the same time, I feel incredibly grateful that I had the foresight (and enough self reflection) to apply into preliminary surgical programs as a back-up. It feels good to know that I likely won’t have to deal with the chaos that is the Supplemental Offer & Acceptance Program (SOAP)–because frankly, no matter how many times I read the horror stories on forums like Reddit, I know my heart can’t take the stress.
Moreover, I feel so incredibly blessed and fortunate beyond measure. The 2020-2021 residency application cycle is the most competitive in recent years from a numbers standpoint: 625 applicants for only ~350 otolaryngology slots. I knew heading into this cycle that I was not an ideal otolaryngology applicant. My board scores (233 for Step 1, 244 for Step 2) were below averages for the specialty, and I scored a pass in my Medicine rotation. I am applying with a class cohort of 9, which is frankly enormous, and everyone is so incredible in their own right. And yet, despite this, I received 12 interview invitations and was able to rank 16 otolaryngology slots given the combination of standard and research tracks.
I owe a lot of this to my mentors, who not encouraged and fostered my interests in research and advocacy, but have advocated for me every step of the way. Mentors who helped me create a back-up plan that was fair for all parties involved (e.g. don’t dual-apply if my heart is truly in otolaryngology), who reviewed my personal statement, who went over my ROL with me–sparking necessary if difficult discussions–and who supported my accomplishments.
But beyond that, I am so thankful for my friends.
Applying to residency in this virtual environment can, and did, feel incredibly lonely at times. It’s even tougher when you don’t know the rest of your cohort that well, and when checking in can be misconstrued as sizing up the competition. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have a handful of folks who applied within the same and in different specialties who are willing to share their struggles, feelings of imposter syndrome, and excitement. I can’t wait to see where we all end up.
And lastly, I feel…relieved? It feels like I can breathe a little easier, and go back to doing things I enjoy, without the fear of being under a magnifying glass. It feels good to write without fear that someone will comb through my words and use it to evaluate my professional candidacy. It feels nice to be able to reflect openly and honestly, to once again share my thoughts and experiences without needing to appear polished, and to express myself as more than Pauline the Medical Student.
So yes, I’m terrified that ROL are due tonight. I’ll probably won’t be sleeping well for the next 12 nights, and it feels odd that I’ve angsted about this process for well over 2 years (i.e. right after I got my Step 1 results in Nov 2018) only for it to suddenly end. But I’m also relieved, and excited to return to “normal,” so to speak.
And of course, I can’t wait to see where I call “home” next, and blog all about my next adventure.
